The Past Catches Up To You Eventually

The past leaves impressions on your soul, whether you will for it or not. People, events, places, objects, all carve out a stake in your heart, build a permanent home for themselves in your psyche and you act out these impressions for the rest of your unconscious life.

Everyone has their flaws, and perhaps no one is entirely to blame for these failings. Like me, they've been battered and bruised, and where I chose to take the route of the hopeless romantic even after repeated abuse by the people I loved the most, they chose the same route as their abusers, believing that the world was out to hurt them and they must defend themselves at every turn. 

I get it, I empathise for them, I may even get to the point in my life where I forgive them for the terrible things they've done to me, but it just sucks that the world is this way. Pain is everywhere, and the sins of parents, friends, teachers, co-workers spread to the people around them, like a plague.

I sometimes wish I could be the abuser, instead of the abused. I wouldn't be filled with so much hurt, self-doubt and self-pity. I would readily walk away from the people who don't love me. I would hold others accountable for the injustice they inflict upon me. I wouldn't have unfulfilled expectations, nor would I care if I wasn't fulfilling other people's expectations. If it wasn't for that inkling of hope that one day I'll be happier because I can feel unconditional love in ways they cannot, I'd be the first one to sign on the dotted line for narcissism.

This road is going to be hard. I have a lot of doing and undoing ahead of me. New habits to put in place, new ways of thinking, new kinds of people to associate with, maybe even a new understanding of the past - shedding those toxic impressions, one by one, to leave the best version of myself.

I know I'll get through it, but I want to emerge out of the dark tunnel with more light than when I entered it. I want to be better than the girl my mum raised, better than the person that all these people took advantage of, and better than the woman whose past finally caught up to her.