Skin In The Game

It's a strange place I am in at the moment, a position I can say I've never been in. Stuck in the middle of wanting to feel, but driven entirely by lust, I am simply waiting for time to take its course, for fate alone to determine an outcome. I may or may not be seeing someone.

In this arrangement I am to ask no questions, to simply go with the flow. I am not allowed to think too far ahead or give too much of myself, in fear of being led down the rabbit hole of rejection and humiliation. But for once in my life, or maybe it is who I have become, I am enjoying this uncertainty. I understand that this could either become a fulfilling relationship, or a casual fling, doomed from the beginning by the uncontrollable, burning passions of two souls. 

This risk though, this skin in the game, finally seems worth it. Both the upside and downside are large and real, but there is solace in knowing that he is going through the same thing. With my feelings in the past, there has always been a fear of losing some dignity, some sense of self-confidence that frays at every failure at love. I think I may have had an inferiority complex with the men I've liked, always looking to prove my mettle, to exalt myself to their standard, and then crash and burn when they only see a friend in me. 

This boy is different though. He sees the good in me, without me even having to try. I look back and marvel at how stupid and flawed the men in my past have been, to hold me to conservative ideals that glorify simple-mindedness and submission. For once, I feel like who I am, is who I was meant to be. And to be wanted in the same way as I want him - I finally feel like an equal. This may sound fucked up, but it's my story, and there may be a happy ending yet.