Falling in Love
I had fallen out of love a long while ago. Out of love with RJ, out of love with AM, out of love with God, and finally, out of love with myself. It was a prolonged murder of joy & hope, so slow that I didn't realise it was happening. I thought it was all part of growing up, shedding all those unrealistic dreams I'd cultivated during my naive childhood. I didn't want to write anymore, I didn't want to dream, I just didn't care anymore.
Then, the most beautiful thing happened. I was cast aside by someone my former self would never have cared for. Instead of blaming myself for the events leading up to the break up, I actually began to laugh. That's misleading, I did cry for about 5 minutes. But after that I was fucking relieved that I didn't have to end up with him. Something bigger had awoken inside of me, my pride, my sense of self, my purpose. Music sounded like it was written for me, food began to taste right, the past made sense and I suddenly saw my future with crystal clarity.
The single most important thing in this world for me is this. Being able to feel and write how I feel. With honesty. I don't care if I'm bad at it, if it doesn't make me money, if my words are never read by anyone but me. This is the only thing that defines me, that gives me a sense of fulfilment, that brings me back to my soul when I lose everything else. I have a long way to go before I can write as well or as confidently as I used to, but I know all I need to do is try and that's good enough.
It always has been.
Then, the most beautiful thing happened. I was cast aside by someone my former self would never have cared for. Instead of blaming myself for the events leading up to the break up, I actually began to laugh. That's misleading, I did cry for about 5 minutes. But after that I was fucking relieved that I didn't have to end up with him. Something bigger had awoken inside of me, my pride, my sense of self, my purpose. Music sounded like it was written for me, food began to taste right, the past made sense and I suddenly saw my future with crystal clarity.
The single most important thing in this world for me is this. Being able to feel and write how I feel. With honesty. I don't care if I'm bad at it, if it doesn't make me money, if my words are never read by anyone but me. This is the only thing that defines me, that gives me a sense of fulfilment, that brings me back to my soul when I lose everything else. I have a long way to go before I can write as well or as confidently as I used to, but I know all I need to do is try and that's good enough.
It always has been.
Comments
Post a Comment