This Casual Thing

Sex isn't about the sex for me. It never was. Even when I was going on dates with guys, it was about the thrill, the excitement of meeting someone new and discovering them. Sex with you was an emotion. Taking that emotion away made me feel empty and objectified. This casual thing is a facade. It's a lie I'm telling you, telling the world, and more importantly myself, so that I can push the thought of losing you out of my head.

This constant evasion of feelings. This need to lie to myself time and time again so that I can be normal around you, so that I can be sane, so that I can circumvent the pain... I don't get it.

I want to show you how much I care for you, but I can't. I want to throw away all the doubts and grow to love you unconditionally, but I can't. I want to be with you, but I can't.

You've coaxed me back into this over and over again. I've fell into your trap again and again, knowing full well that you're getting everything you want at the expense of my happiness. I can't let go because when I fall for someone, I become a doormat. I lose all ego and completely give. This is how I am and I can't change myself. It's one of the few things I actually like about myself. So I ask this of you, no, beg. Please let me go. You're the only one who can do it. If you care, if you ever did, you'll let me go.